Where Have I Been?

I've been continuing to stare at my baby. Rock her to sleep once in a while, laugh at her sense of humor and teach her how to eat the food that Mom and Dad eat. I've been on a camping trip to Goblin Valley, a plane to Texas, and watched the Montana sunset. I've had lazy days and ran a thousand errands others. I've been taking walks and reading stories, thinking about more babies, doing dishes, and listening to Podcasts about motherhood and finding balance with technology. I've been confiding in friends about motherhood and life and explaining to them that it's all because I care so much. I've watched my husband get the job of his dreams and feel the weight off my shoulders make me light enough to fly.

Nora Jane

I regret to say that a lot of times in my life haven't felt as sweet as they truly were until looking back. It feels like four years, and not just four weeks ago that Jeff and I were eating spicy ribs at Famous Daves while I was in labor, both of us hoping but not realizing that that would be our last night as just the two of us.

It truly was a fun day. We had an appointment with my midwife, which is about an hour from our house, and since I was three days over due I had to get a non stress test and check my fluid levels to make sure all was well with baby. 

At the hospital while doing the tests Jeff and I got a feel for what our actual stay would be like when I delivered. We were excited. We laughed and had fun and of course Jeff complained about the terrible wifi connection-- though a relief to me that I would have his undivided attention during what I knew, but didn't yet understand, would be the most intense and important night of my life. (Don't worry, Jeff wouldn't have actually neglected me to browse online;)

I was having regular, but mild, contractions the entire two hours we were at the hospital and so in hopes that they might progress we decided to stick around near the hospital instead of drive home and have Jeff's birthday dinner in Provo. That dinner was one I enjoyed probably most throughout my pregnancy, despite having progressively more intense contractions the entire time. (Sorry if that grosses you out--I realize how unappetizing it sounds.) I dealt with nausea throughout my entire pregnancy and my appetite was basically non existent. Food just rarely sounded very good. But this night-- what with the starch and carbs galore-- was an excellent dining night. 

I'm already looking back on the two and a half years Jeff and I shared without kids and wanting to cherish them with the tightest grasp. And this is not to say because I don't absolutely love where we are now. That's far from the truth. I say it because with the demands of school, several jobs, and the anticipation of the unknown of our future, it was sometimes hard to see the forest through the trees. Now I can proudly declare that those years were so extremely important for our marriage and my personal growth. I love Jeff, his strengths and weaknesses, with all of my heart and soul. Though that is not to say I don't have an infinite amount of growth and learning to do because boy, I do. 

Even up until the last year of my undergrad, I let myself doubt if what I was doing was the right thing. I wanted kids, I saw and sometimes envied the paths others chose to take, and I often questioned. Again I am of course eternally grateful for finishing school and more so for the opportunities I had that will help me both personally and professionally because of it.

But where we are now. Hardly a day can pass without choking up just thinking about it.

I wonder and awe over Nora everyday and I know. 

This is why I'm here. Her and her hopefully many siblings to come. She changed me from the instant I held her. It was a feeling that I built up and had such high expectations for-- yet she still managed to shatter my expectations. No, I didn't instantly recognize her. No, I didn't immediately know how to hold her just right, but through my happy sobs I knew that she is what I was yearning for, what I'm here for, and to her I am eternally grateful for making me a mother. 

Utah and Motherhood

I'm lying in bed on a cool night in this mountainous small town I will only occupy for another two months or so. 

This time in our lives is unique-- as I'm sure all times will be. We are not the ones sitting on the front porch of our houses watching young people come and go in an effort to make a life-- we are the ones coming and going right now. Hoping that we are making the right decisions by following that feeling in our hearts telling us to go to Utah without securing a job first. Sometimes when I'm in mid-explaination babbling to someone about all the reasons we "feel" like going to Utah is the right thing I just want to stop myself. All too often I blab when just a simple answer will do. I don't owe anyone an explanation and I owe it to myself to be content and know that even if this isn't as successful as we hope, it's still what we are supposed to do right now and it's really as simple as that. 

Yes, we are bringing a baby into the mix. But my goodness we will love her and give her everything she needs and more no matter what. The love I have for her is expanding and I have the feeling that I really have no idea what I'm in for-- and by that I mean the amount of love and joy that will come from being a parent. 

Today is Mother's Day and all over the web people have been sharing tributes to their mothers and the incredible women they are. I hope I can live up to what I see in my mother and what many of these people posting see in theirs. It is an overwhelming responsibility but even more so a privilege that I feel so grateful to have. 

on hopes for the next chapter

When Jeff and I started to get serious about college and making a plan to graduate, I worried if the degrees we were pursuing (Writing and Media Arts) were practical enough and would allow for a lucrative enough income and steady work. I wondered, why didn't I pursue becoming a nurse or a dental hygienist? And why not Jeff a doctor or even a PA? 

I don't let that worry me too much anymore, but reading posts like this from A Beautiful Mess solidifies that we are doing the right thing. There's obviously pressure in any marriage to make enough money to support a family, and there's a hope for a steady job with a salary and good benefits. While that all sounds nice, it's not necessarily a rewarding path for everyone, or even a realistic assumption. No job is so steady that it can't be taken away, and no amount of salary or benefits is constant either. I think that life can present challenges no matter what situation you are in, but the authors of that blog have showed me that you can live your dream through even your creative passions. Something I really appreciate about their story is their continual emphasis on not starting out something with the goal of making a lot of money. Of course, that would be a desired outcome, but I don't think it can start that way, not if you are going to find the motivation to keep going when all may seem lost. The A Beautiful Mess team didn't start out with the large staff they have, it was really just one girl's willingness to drop the status quo and pursue her dreams, and there were people along the way who believed in her enough that they supported her and helped shape her business to make it what it is. I think it is so neat that not only two sisters work together, but their husbands are employed through the blog as well. That is the ultimate dream for me, but doing what? I'm not quite sure yet.

I feel so grateful to have a husband that has such a passion for film and design. I know he would stay up all night doing projects if I weren't begging him to get to bed all the time. I find it so amazing that he can spend a full day filming, and come home still so excited to look through his footage and edit his shots. This trait of Jeff's reminds me of my dad. My dad is a the picture of someone who works tirelessly. His work day may end around a certain time of the day, but there is a separate, even more rewarding life to come home to  after that, and that is taking care of his family. Whether it's doing projects to clean up the yard or the garden, or organize the garage or clean the cars, he finds joy in it and finds a way for us all to be together and feel rewarded in our work.

Being college students, Jeff and I are pretty accustomed to not getting money in large amounts, and for that amount of money to vary each month. Just in the past year have we seen some consistency with our paychecks and even that will change come graduation. We've saved what we can and taken out as little loans as we feel like we can, and we have always had enough. I think the biggest thing I look forward to with the next step of our lives isn't going to be much different than it is now. What I hope for is to have enough money to meet our needs, and to find ways to support one another and be happy while always progressing.

Randomonious

I just registered for my last term of classes. One is a weekend college (which only meets for one weekend of the term if that term is confusing); one only meets once a week; one is Acting I, which I am over the moon about (I really am if anyone took that sarcastically); and one is a US History class from 1865 with one of the best professors at Eastern, which I am taking with Jeff, so that is obviously a win! Anyway, it's gonna be really cool. I'm more than ready to be finished with school; it's been a bumpy journey for me for sure. And it is for everyone in their own way I know. We also got letters in the mail about ordering caps and gowns. Milestones, people! The next four months is going to be full of academic ones.

The thing about almost being done with school, is that even though I get annoyed with it sometimes, and I know the stress has made me in need of a shoulder rub for the past four years, it's still structure and it's still a plan. I know what my weeks will be filled with, and I know that any chance to feel "bored' is extremely glorious. But you know, I'm ready for a new pace. Even though it's easier said than done, I can always go back to school and pursue higher education, which I probably will. I just look forward to not revolving my life around school schedules and college kids anymore. I look forward to becoming a better wife-- cooking dinner more often, being there for Jeff instead of always leaning on him, which he is ever stable for. Even though I'm incredibly grateful for my time as a student! It may feel long now, but I graduated high school nearly 5 years ago, and I remember that feeling like it would last forever at the time. And then bam, you're posting #throwbackthursday pictures of graduation.

What's the point of this post? Well, I've been gone from this space for too long. It needs some life, and I look forward to coming back to it in the coming months.

Until next time.

Lesson in cats #342

I started out on this kitty journey knowing next to nothing about cats. Every little thing Kingsley has done has felt like the coolest thing to me, and when I share that with people I discover much of what he does is what all cats do. At the zoo, I even discovered that the tigers sleep about 20 hours a day; now I know that Kingsley is just sleeping for strength.

So more about this naiveté (pronounced with a long "A" sound at the end). As suggested by the breeder and multiple veterinarians, we decided to declaw Kingsley because he is a house cat, more specifically an apartment cat, which means he really couldn't even run in the backyard if he wanted to. The procedure went so well, there was almost no recovery time, and his white little mitts were adorable and so much fun to play with. Then we discovered the doctor missed one of his claws during the surgery, so he had to go in for another shortly after. Then one of his paws started to bleed and it didn't stop for a few weeks. We found out that two of his paws were growing back and the surgery was much more invasive this time. His paw looked mangled after the surgery and it was tough for me to look at and watch him hop around on.

With his bleeding paw and then surgery, he had to wear a cone for a month and a half. I woke up several times in the night in a panic hoping he hadn't gotten out of his cone. We also woke up several times because he would use our head as a spring board to jump on the windowsill behind us, often times just to fall off because his cone was in the way. It was tough to see him try to eat and drink, not to mention get comfy in that thing. We recently discovered that another one of his paws is growing back, but alas, it is not bleeding and it isn't bothering him so we are going to leave it be for as long as we can.

^ We tried to take the cone off for a bit and use a sock but it drove him crazy. 

The other day when we were both gone, Jeff returned home to find that Kingsley had gotten out of his cone and licked his scabs off to reveal a healed paw! I'm so glad King decided to take care of business himself. I am so happy to see him peacefully sleep again, and not to mention he tears through the house, hunts us, jumps all over the place, and is so happy to be able to clean his paws again and rub his little face with them. 

Through this I learned that having a pet can be so heart breaking. (I know, where have I been right?) I really had no idea that there was a possibility of claws growing back (though it happens very rarely).  It was so hard for me to see him be so uncomfortable and confused for so long, but he still loves us so much. I may still not like the term "fur baby," but what can I say? He is definitely our baby. 

Homeward Bound.

A few nights ago, I had a dream that I was driving with my friends on a road trip with no destination. I'm quite sure the wind was even running perfectly through my hair. While driving, I came to the realization that I was not wearing any shoes, that I was not wearing a bra, and that I forgot my deodorant. Instead of being the wild and free girl those details entail, we quickly found a Walmart and I was standing in the aisle embarrassed to pick out deodorant in front of my friend because I wear Old Spice....

Reality met my dream. It found my inner curiosity and longing for a free spirit and told it to go home. It made me wonder. Was it the movies that made us think driving in the car on a long stretch of highway is so romantic? Or that doing a cartwheel in the middle of a quiet street at night makes us feel free and washes all our cares away? I'm not trying to be the pessimistic realist here, because trust me, I'm middle ground with this one. I desperately want all those things to be the best medicine. And I think they are for some people, and even for me at times. But I think my wanderlust is drowned out by my longing to be grounded. To go home to my little living room, which is attached to my even littler kitchen, sparkling clean, with a chocolate bar always waiting in the cupboard above the sink, with my cat purring and husband waiting to light up and say, "hi baby!"