This Christmas

I sit snuggled in the corner, reading. The smell of Christmas dinner fills the air. I am not helping to prepare, but I am no exception. Others are watching football, dozing off, or watching the cat run, tumble, and pounce.

It is a good thing to sit still; to not know where your wallet resides in the warm  house scattered with opened gifts. To know your bank account is also sitting still. 

This Christmas is topping the charts no doubt. Being "poor" for lack of better term, has caused the few gifts to be extremely thoughtful. And the ones from parents greatly cherished. We feel so grateful and overwhelmingly loved we want to hug our gifts, and everyone around us. It is a blessing to ponder every purchase, and know that even though we have what we need, we are being watched over to make life even brighter.

But at the end of the holiday, our gifts turn back into just things for a little while. We pack them in the car and pull out of the drive way to make the trip home, ultimately holding onto the memories that have been created. We feel lucky to have loved ones, who love us too.

Resolschmutions

One particular year I lost my new years resolutions that were on a little square sheet of paper and I was so embarrassed. How am I supposed to say I even tried if I lost the list altogether? As the years passed by, I realized that I can't just write a list of things and expect them to happen. It was a rude awakening.

For awhile I almost rolled my eyes at the thought of a list of new year resolutions. While I recognized the flaw in aiming too high, there is a flaw in rolling my eyes as well. There is something spectacular about recognizing we have faults, or that we need growth and change in certain areas of our lives. But if we let our resolutions emulate our deepest, darkest insecurities and let them collect dust all just to be lost and forgotten, the potential for haunting is increased.

So that is when I started to re-think the list of resolutions system. I see many things in myself that I want to change, but change starts with habits, and habits are a tough one. It starts with today; today I will find things I am grateful for; today I will go to the gym; today I will get on my knees and pray; today I will open my scriptures and seek for spiritual insight.

This is going to be a good year. I can feel it. We are starting our second year of marriage, and I am so grateful to look back on last year and evaluate what worked and what did not. I know what I need to change, I know who I want to be, and every day I have a new today to make that happen.

Matters of Non-Business.

I feel that an obligatory post is in order regarding two things: Christmas and Kingsley.

First thing's first, I am always amazed at the way the Christmas Season makes me feel each and every year. I don't feel overwhelmed by all the presents I have to buy, rather overwhelmed at how many I want to buy for people and cannot afford to do so. One of the ways I show love to others is through giving gifts. I know this because it truly fills my heart when I can surprise someone with something. I hope that if my budget ever does allow more presents to be bought, that I continue to feel excitement giving gifts and not overwhelmed.

A whole month off of school is a dream. Since Jeff and I have campus jobs, we truly get to kick back and relax during the holidays. We are able to spend time with my family which is a blast! There is a special place in my heart for Idaho Falls and I love that it feels like home. Though right now we feel equally at home in La Grande, Boise, and Idaho Falls which is triple wonderful.

And next, most important and most cuddly, the new edition to our home: Kingsley Shacklebolt. You can call him Kingsley. After a year of marriage, we were aching for something cuddly to snuggle and squeeze (not too hard because he's teensy) and our new exotic shorthair kitten did the trick. We would be lying if we didn't admit that we first got the idea from Cee Lo Green's exotic cat on The Voice, but that guy has come to inspire us in more ways than one, so it's no surprise.

No, Kingsley will not be referred to on this blog or elsewhere as our "fur baby." Though we were surprised enough as it is that we could fall in love with a cat in the first place, so you never know. Plus this is an extraordinary cat, and we are honored to have him. So who knows, you may just see us in a few months sporting this look:

Here are some pictures for your enjoyment. It's been a blast to see the personality bursting out of this tiny, grumpy looking, exotic kitten. 

Grown Up?

Almost once a week I stop in my tracks and look down at my small feet and think, how was I allowed to be in charge of my own life? J and I frequently talk about raising children and all the decisions that come with parenting, our beliefs, what we think might be effective, etc. It sounds so wonderful and romantic until I realize: with children you have to help them and be there for every single decision they make throughout the day. Not just waking them up, giving them meals and putting them to bed, but everything in between. That is such a tremendous and special responsibility. Am I, a girl with too many flaws to count, worthy of that?

Somewhere along my own infancy, childhood, and adolescence, I slowly let go of my parents hands and got to where I am now: in charge of every single decision. And I can't for the life of me figure out how it happened so fast. Now, I know we have a lot to learn and are hardly "grown up," but you get the idea. I have been dreaming about having children since way before I'd like to admit,  and I feel a special connection with them, and I know they are waiting for me. When I go to the temple I can feel their love and know they are special. So many times throughout my young adult years I have been in the midst of a life decision and thought about those unborn children. I am trying so hard to have good habits and become the person I want them to be. I believe that I came here on earth to learn and find my sweetheart and create a family together that will help us continue to learn and hopefully we can teach them a thing or two. 

One day they may read my blog, or personal journal, and think, "Wow my mom was once a kid like me." It wasn't until I was almost graduated high school that I hit the realization that my parents were once young and made mistakes, too. I hope my children can realize that a little sooner so they don't hold us to an unrealistic standard like I did my parents, which, they always lived up to. 

So here's to those little ones yet to come. Here's a thank you to them for keeping me on check, and making me want to be better when I haven't even met them yet. 

the future is bright.

when i can see the path ahead i often want to run. this is true in many cases.

this is part of the pathway we use to walk to and from campus. i can see campus from our place and i often want to run there. i love to walk fast, and sometimes it turns into this awkward walk-run: complete with back pack and sometimes large coat.

when i went to byu-i this girl saw me in class one winter day and said, "you're that girl with the green coat who i always see running on campus!" then she proceeded to tell me how goofy i looked in a big coat with my arms sticking straight out.

so it looks ridiculous. does that stop me? no. i'm just excited to get where i'm going. and not because i'm late, but because i like to get there.

this is also true for me in life. maybe it has something to do with older siblings, maybe not, but i have always been in such a hurry to get to the next stage of life. i can't wait for high school. i can't wait for my driver's license. i can't wait until i can date. i can't wait until graduation. i can't wait until college. i can't want until i meet the love of my life. i can't wait until i get married. it has often caused me to look back and wish i would have slowed down and taken things for what they were.

 i look back and feel overwhelmingly grateful for the road i have traveled thus far, and am in complete awe at the way the Lord has shown me he truly knows me and is invested in my plan.

i know the future is bright, and sometimes that makes me want to run.

i bet you can't guess the things i'm trying to run towards now.
but don't worry, i am reminded every single day to slow down.

all the busy people in the world.

There is no way that anyone is busier than I am. 

--have you ever had that thought before? I know I'm guilty of it, and I also know that I am surely wrong. In a recent interview with one of my professors, he briefly touched on that subject.

"The time will always fill up," he said. That small statement spoke volumes. He gave the example of how this term he is teaching four classes and feels that he might go mad, but even though he is only teaching two next term, he knows he will be just as busy because he will dedicate more time to them.

Some of you may be thinking, "duh!" as you read this, but this was helpful insight for me. Often throughout the day, as I am running around with my head cut off, I wonder how I will possibly be able to survive with a few children. And on top of that, what if I have a job? I know people survive, I see them do it, but the concept of one person having more time than another is a little skewed. We were all given 24-hours in a day. For me, it is a priority to sleep from 7-9 of those hours, and I go to class for about 3 a day, but what about the rest? How I choose to use them is the most important thing. And that is what has the ability to set everyone apart.

I know there are books written on that very word: busy. We seem to take pride in a busy day, but I know that people who have studied the word wouldn't say being busy is such a glamorous thing. But I can personally testify that lounging around all day can eat at the soul. So what then? I am intrigued enough to read on about it, and I will get back to you. Until then, I'm still going to try not to use the word "busy" the next time someone asks me how my week(end) was. Though I know for sure it'll be the first word that comes to mind.

a heart of gratitude.

at church on sunday a woman spoke about a study conducted where there were three groups of people writing about particular things. one group wrote about what they were grateful for, one group wrote what made them upset, and another group just wrote about random objects. it is no surprise that the group who wrote about what they were grateful for, was the happiest.

this may seem so simple, but it kind of turned on a light for me. i like to write in a personal journal, but i find that it is often when i am frustrated that i write the most. i know it is healthy to get feelings out on paper, but i wonder just how often that is necessary. this past week i have tried something called "take 20." i take 5 minutes for scripture reading, 5 for journal writing, 5 for prayer, and 5 for stretching. in those 5 minutes of journal writing, i have been finding things i am grateful for. sometimes if i need to wake up before i am ready, or if i've had a strange dream, i tend to be in a sour mood when i wake up. this morning i found that as i woke up and consciously found things to be grateful for, it helped my mood. i also find that as i allow my body to stretch, especially with the stress of balancing school with personal life, it enables my mind to be more alert and my body to feel well.

"me time" is important i know. i think where i struggle is finding just how much "me time" i need in a day. i don't necessary need 3 hours, even though sometimes i take that much. then i feel guilty that i wasn't spending it on other things, and that time is actually detrimental.

sure, i would love to spend an hour working out, an hour in prayer, an hour writing, and an hour reading scriptures, but i think 20 minutes is a grand start.