Balance.

Today while cutting J's hair I realized I was completely calm and enjoying myself. Rewind to my first try a year and a half ago and this is a huge mile mark. I would get anxiety and we would start arguing every time. I love to write, but I do not deem my hands as creative hands. In fact, I find it extremely difficult to create anything, but have always longed to be more artistic. I guess this means that is now happening, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Another mile mark is that J and I celebrated our first year anniversary on December 30th. We have now lived in this little apartment for a year, and I am actually going back to the same school after a year. YES! This is huge.

At a few points during the break, I found it difficult to enjoy myself because of the anxiety creeping over me telling me I would soon be back to the stressful life of the student with pressing deadlines constantly hanging over my head. But then I told that anxiety to wait a minute, and I stepped outside of myself and analyzed. Here is what I found:

I have been very balanced during this break. I needed it almost as much as the air I breathe, and I am so grateful for the month off we had from school. We traveled through Idaho and Montana for three weeks and spent time with family, many friends, and got to meet this fluffy thing who somehow changed our perspective on life. 

No one told me that once you get a cat it is inevitable that your heart would turn to mush every time they do something like this. The words I.. will never... be.. a.. cat lady.. are echoing further and further in the distance every time I think about the girl who used to say them.

Here's the thing about school and life: yeah it's hard and crazy, but you learn. Each and every new semester of school I am more prepared than the last. Knowing how to take care of Financial Aid and Registrar business, where classes are, what to expect from certain instructors, how to stay organized, when/where to get books, who to turn to if you have questions. It all gets easier. And I'm sure that on my last day of school that Spring day in 2014, I will be able to finally speak fluent "college." And then I will be done, happily exploring and stumbling through another phase of life.

Isn't that how it works?

The "Aha Moment"

photo taken from my front porch

That moment when what you are doing makes sense; the one no one can hand you, or that you cannot physically reach for or obtain. Since my life is currently measured by school terms, the "Aha Moment" is always reached at a different point in each term. 

I often think about what I would have missed out on in life if I would have given up when I wanted to. And sadly, there are still many things I regret not following through with. Each step I get closer to obtaining an undergraduate degree, the more overwhelmingly grateful I feel to be finishing what I started. But it isn't the same for everyone. Maybe it's a dental hygiene program, maybe it's a hair academy, or an advancement in work, or saving money, or raising children. Whatever it is, I hope you do it with all your heart.

I am continually grateful for order in my life. If our bedroom isn't clean and the dishes aren't done, I get stressed out not because I'm obsessed with cleanliness, but because it makes a difference to me. I get anxiety easily, and I try to embrace any reason to help me feel calm. 

So today, I embrace that I am caught up with school, [finally] not running around with my head cut off, and able to soak in what the meaning of this whole thing is. Because I know that another day, another week, I will feel worried and overwhelmed and I just may forget.

Some Summer.

It turns out our summer will be spent sailing selling pest control in Washington. Yes, I am (we are) that annoying person who knocks at your door, asking you questions, and then trying to ask some more before you shut the door.

I wasn't gonna do it, in fact, don't tell me "I could never do that," because that was what I said, too. I kicked back in our twice-as-big, furnished apartment and browsed the internet all day looking for jobs.... for almost two weeks. I wasn't so worried about getting a job right away when we got to La Grande, because I knew there was time and that we still have two more years of school. But here... we have until the end of September and time was ticking. 

I am no salesman. I am the opposite, but there are a few qualities about me that I decided I had it in me. And ever since Madeline came out in motion picture in 1998 my motto has been, "I can do anything." If you whisper it like she did, and once in awhile say it aloud, you really can do anything. I couldn't bare the thought of staying home all day earning nothing while Jeff worked until 9 every night in the 100 degree weather. 

I repaired rock chips one summer at a tent by the mall and while it was technically sales, I feel that it hardly counts. People approached me though, and I didn't have to bother them in the middle of their car repairs, paint project, family time, or the occasional man opening the door in his underwear, yawning. Nonetheless, I did have to be knowledgable about the rock chip repairing process, and why they are important to repair; I did have to work with insurance companies, and I did have to talk people into paying cash when their insurance was only liability.

I am personable and genuinely interested in talking with and learning about people I have just met. I especially learned that about myself working in customer service for so long. I could change a person's demeanor with just the right comment, and they could do the same to me. I lived for what I called those 30-second conversations that started with small talk; or the occasional person that jumped straight into their life story, current problems. I met the quirkiest, rudest, nicest, most interesting people every day and I will forever learn from my experiences in retail. Again... this is different... but it all helps.

We are now referred to by the Pointe Pest Control crew as Team Alexander. I know everyone is annoyed with us, because it looks like we are getting more sales than everyone, but really, there are two of us, and expenses don't cut in half when you're married. Somehow, they double and even triple at times. Needless to say, we are doing all right. We have a few number goals, but really, I just want to do my best every single day and not give up. When all is said and done, I will be happy with that. We are praying to make enough to get us through the school year, so we can continue to work at our campus jobs that we love, and focus on schoolwork: the task at hand.