There are so many words in my head it's starting to result in the lack of the right one. Every other word is a, "What's that word again... you know... I just can't explain it."

If I let it all out in to-do list format, it will allegedly get better. But you're talking to the connoisseur of to-do lists. I've got a note book filled and I know that by examining what you have in front of you comes a sort of release, but an added weight and responsibility in another way. Day-to-day lists are necessary and daunting, and so far this term (we're at Week 6... wait maybe 5 or 7...?) I haven't done it and I've just been flighting from day to day thinking only about the hour that is in front of me.

I'm weeks behind my favorite television shows and I can't even entertain the thought of when it might be that I can watch them. To snuggle on the couch with my love and purring Kingsley would mean the world. They say when you are doing what's right the unnecessary things in your life slip away and I can attest to the truth of that; I don't want the alternate world of television to become what I live for. But some of the basic things I need for my sanity and spirituality are slipping away too and I need to get them back.

Three cheers to sanity in a beautiful kind of way, retrieving my floating head, and having the best Valentines Day yet. To that I raise my glass, of water, which might just be my lunch and dinner today.

lately.

i have been running from work to school, then back home again

i usually do homework in the mornings, but lately it's been at the oddest times. i was falling asleep last night trying to make a midnight spanish homework deadline. if you squeezed me, spanish words involving EL MEDIO AMBIENTE and LA NATURALEZA and EL GATO (duh) would come out.

i'm home for two or three half hour increments during the day

sneaking in "modern family" to maintain sanity (it's working. and i think i'm getting a six pack from laughing so hard. SCORE!)

giving up computer time during the day to do things like DISHES and MAKE THE BED; i'm embarrassed to admit just how much can be done in those 20 minute segments

feeling gratitude; we are incredibly blessed

dreaming about living in portland WILL IT HAPPEN? X)

The "Aha Moment"

photo taken from my front porch

That moment when what you are doing makes sense; the one no one can hand you, or that you cannot physically reach for or obtain. Since my life is currently measured by school terms, the "Aha Moment" is always reached at a different point in each term. 

I often think about what I would have missed out on in life if I would have given up when I wanted to. And sadly, there are still many things I regret not following through with. Each step I get closer to obtaining an undergraduate degree, the more overwhelmingly grateful I feel to be finishing what I started. But it isn't the same for everyone. Maybe it's a dental hygiene program, maybe it's a hair academy, or an advancement in work, or saving money, or raising children. Whatever it is, I hope you do it with all your heart.

I am continually grateful for order in my life. If our bedroom isn't clean and the dishes aren't done, I get stressed out not because I'm obsessed with cleanliness, but because it makes a difference to me. I get anxiety easily, and I try to embrace any reason to help me feel calm. 

So today, I embrace that I am caught up with school, [finally] not running around with my head cut off, and able to soak in what the meaning of this whole thing is. Because I know that another day, another week, I will feel worried and overwhelmed and I just may forget.

la-la-la-la-life goes on

Looking forward to a new week feels good. Last week I was holding onto yesterdays, and now I anticipate, with excitement, what is to come. Like: bring it on. I own you. And then I stumble and fall, and freak out, and that's okay. That's gonna happen sometimes.

Example:
It's Friday night, 7 pm, and I realize I need to print out some things before my all day Grant Writing class that I have to venture to the unknown territory of Hermiston, OR,  for, and catch a ride with strangers at 6:30 a.m. Naturally, our printer is out of ink. So, I talk Jeff into coming to campus with me, and we run to building after building, all to find out that each one closes at 5 p.m. on Friday nights (and 11 p.m. Sun-Thurs, whaaat?!). But I guess, really, who wants to do homework on a Friday night except for the procrastinator, and the procrastinator always pays, duh! So as I am pulling my hair out and loathing over my unpreparedness, Jeff has the idea of popping over to our friends' house, and they're not home. So, we drive to Bi-Mart in hopes to pick some up: it's closed. Finally, the unfailing, and last resort, Walmart. We scrounge up the change to buy some printer ink, and huzzah! I am ready to go. But then I dream all night. In each dream I am running from store to store, desperately in need of a restroom, and in each public restroom there is a busy computer lab with several large printers. In between each dream I wake up in a panic, check the time, and go back to sleep.

I have such vivid dreams when I am really nervous about something. When I started as a cashier at Target, I had horrible dreams about it. In many of them, I would tell the customers that I am talking on my cell phone and not to bug me. In other dreams, I would have a conveyor belt with a never ending amount of items. When I started my Shakespeare class last spring, I was so intimidated, and had dreams for two weeks straight about literature.

Does that happen to you?

Testing Day.

I don't have any lucky socks, jeans, or ponytail holders. I've only got what is in my mind and I can assure you it is stuffed to the brim with Spanish adverbs, uses of the impersonal and accidental "se," imperfect vs preterite verbs, and lots of vocabulary that has to do with different sicknesses, body parts, and the doctor's office. Ironically I have a bit of a resfriado myself. Hmmm....

I'm pretty lucky in that with my particular major, I don't have a lot of scary tests at the testing center. Do not be fooled, however, because I've got to read more than there is time in the day, and write until my fingers fall off, but I love it.

What do you love about what you do?

These people around me,
are underestimated to say the least.

Their intelligence and worth
are hidden behind their potty mouths,
which make me want to hide from them.

I know they are more than they allow themselves to be.
I pray that they are. Because as for now,
they make up the world
as I know it.

I don't have to hide from them,
I don't have to isolate myself
from this strange melancholy,

because when I step inside
and get to know their interior,
I find diamonds in the rough.

We can do hard things.

I have loved to write from the very beginning. Each year in school I looked forward to the writing assessments. I always anticipated prompts they might ask. With my big family, life was never boring. I always had a fun story to recall, and loved getting to construct it and put it on paper.

And then came academic writing. Though research papers were not initially as fun, I have always been able to still find my own voice and be proud of a paper to call my own. Until my Lit classes....

Not only do I have to read something that makes little sense to me (the first three times), but I have to put it into context, summarize it, tell about the parts that were most interesting to me (and why), and then interpret the piece as a whole, and relate it to other things we have been learning.

Doing said assignments is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. It takes every bit of  my concentration and patience. It is as though I have to squeeze out every single sentence from my brain until, one by one, it is complete. And then I pray very hard that it makes a bit of sense.

Don't get me wrong, I always feel better after these assignments are complete, but while they are in the making, you may as well chain my arms and legs down to the edge of a cliff and torture me.

This is a lesson for me. I hope to instill in my children a love for literature, so when this part comes around they are more worried about having too much to say. Fantasy? Yeah.

Warning: Dramatic Post Ahead (and apparently cheesy)

Have you heard the phrase, "Hit the ground running?"

After a long summer, such was my plan for the upcoming academic year: particularly Fall term.

Well, I coined a new phrase instead: hit the ground, fall on my face, then comes that classic weight out of the sky and boom, I'm stuck. (Drama at its best)

I believe (or have thus convinced myself) that it is okay to feel resistance during school. It's okay not to swoon over every single assignment, and it's okay if you don't connect with every single classmate and professor, but as a whole it should be positive.

The thing is, I usually love school. At least after a week or so, I feel so glad about what I'm doing, and soak up everything I get to read, all the lectures, and that feeling I get when I finish an assignment.

This time around? I'm distracted. In fact, distracted is the perfect word to describe my whole life right now. And you know what? It's distracting in itself, because my mind is wandering to other routes, other options, and it can't do that! I've already been there. I've already done that...

After my first week of school I was so completely and utterly disappointed with my classmates. I felt that all they did is complain about every single reading and every single assignment, and I felt that they did not care about getting to know me, or making the best of school and all that comes with it.

But then I realized, that student is me too. And I'm embarrassed. I don't want to talk to anyone about what I read for class, because I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't want to talk about the assignments, because I don't know where to start. And I also don't know where to end this post, because I haven't come to a conclusion yet. But I will......

Stay tuned.

What's important changes when J is ruthlessly sketching and cutting away in hopes to finish an art project that is due in just minutes time. I can no longer tell him about the things that happened so far in my day, because they pale in comparison. i.e: the bugs that kept hitting my face on my walk to school, the girl in Lit. class who was picking her ears and eating it (what????!), and, "Does my ponytail look ok?" or "do these jeans make me look fat?" So I sit quietly reading in my office and peek at him wishing there was something I can do, but really can't, because he doesn't even have time for me to dip this delicious parmesan garlic & herb pita chip in hummus and put it directly in his mouth. Chewing is of least importance and the crumbs can jeopardize the quality of the art. And then I notice he is whistling to the reggae song as he works away and I suddenly realize that even now, even though there is good reason to lose it and get frustrated, he is still calm.

So I step outside of me and observe my pita chip eating self, reading an article about the zillions of ways people make grammar mistakes, and wish I could be more like him. But we all know I can't, so I look up and say, "Thank you for J," then try to act like him, like I'm keeping my cool for just a few moments, until I run off to class and more bugs start flying in my face.

the life of the student.

Writing lists that desperately need to be crossed off; grabbing warm papers from the printer and running to class; leaving the house without a jacket and regretting it as soon as it's too late to turn back; getting to know people you learn to call your close fiends; going to sleep in the cool mountain air; waking up chilly while the rest of the world is asleep; looking out the window wondering what the day holds; dancing in the tiny apartment; looking forward to the weekend like nobody's business; new glasses; weekend trips home; nights out with friends; snacking; lectures you can't write fast enough for; going to bed early; bike rides through campus;  completing assignments that once seemed impossible; daydreaming: is there really life after school? In the meantime, this gig isn't so bad.

Who Gives a Fluff About the Oxford Comma?

It's warming up everywhere and I feel like the world is getting happier. Personally, my favorite time of the year is Fall, but nonetheless I am pleased by summer's arrival. So much so, in fact, that I can't keep my nose in a book for more than ten minutes without getting distracted. I am writing a creative biography on the life of Ann Wigmore (she is incredible), and it is due via e-mail on Monday. Monday is Memorial Day, a holiday, (sneaky professor's) so thus I can choose to enjoy my holiday at the park with friends, or furiously typing at my computer all just to compose a lousy first draft. As of now, I am choosing the latter, because typing blog posts and dreaming about the weekend is much more fun.

There are only two more weeks of school until finals and I couldn't be more excited. This year for us, summer entails many adventures and I am looking forward to them tenfold. As long as I am with Jeff I am content, but having plans and getting away makes me very excited. Well, most of the time I am content with Jeff. Today he was being a silly pest and I told him to go home, but I can't really do that anymore. Which is way better, so I'll take it. :)

One of my summer plans, beside tackling a long list of books to read, is to start envisioning/outlining what I want to write for my first annual participation in National Novel Writing Month!! I cannot believe I hadn't heard about this until this year, but I am more than excited to do it. Next Fall I will be immersed in great amounts of schoolwork, but I feel that a plan will help me stay on track a bit. With some flexibility, hopefully I can spend the wee hours of the morning writing my novel, rather than finishing homework like this trimester. And if you have any ideas for a novel, I am completely open as of now! The possibilities are endless.

Well, have a great Thursday night, here are a few Photo Booth pictures for you to enjoy:

Hmm, looks like we've got a singer in our hands, folks!

This little gem showed up in my mail. Don't mind if I do vote for Ron Paul, if he would just pull through!

We were obviously on different pages about the pose.

I've always been told I have big eyes. I think I see it now..

My BSU, BYU-I, CWI, EOU Life

Lately, I have had to constantly remind myself not to wish away these last two years of my undergraduate studies. I look back to when I started in the Fall of 2009 and it feels like forever ago because I have come so far. Midway through my first semester at BSU I remember telling my mom, through tears and confusion, that I just don't know if the university life is for me. I really just wanted to take some writing classes so I could improve in what I actually cared about. I also had thoughts of going to San Francisco to make bank as a nanny, try massage school, reflexology, or enroll in a hair academy. Most of my teachers are BSU were really strange, the environment put me into a sort of culture shock, and I didn't feel like I was in the right place.

I had the powerful feeling in December of my first semester that I needed to let BYU-I know I was coming to my accepted Winter/Spring track after all and I packed up to move to Rexburg, which felt like home to me. There I met my two darling Texan roommates and one adorable girl from Boise.  I didn't have many friends and didn't attend many social events, even though it is safe to say probably half of my high school attended BYU-I.  I studied and worked hard to improve me and I reaped the benefits of that. For the first time since elementary school, I felt like I was getting school and that I was succeeding in it, because I was I was growing in tremendous ways I did not know were possible. And that wasn't by some miracle, it was because I was doing all that I could to do well, and God was making up the rest.

When I came home off track I had no idea that I would be meeting the love of my life and that I wouldn't be attending another semester at BYU-I. I had a plan, I was happy with it, and moving forward, and that is why Heavenly Father felt I was ready to have the tremendous blessing of Jeff in my life. That is not to say that I did not have trials and confusion through that time. I took a year off of school before enrolling at the community college Fall of 2011 while Jeff and I were engaged, and that year I also grew in so many ways. I couldn't wait to marry Jeff. I pushed things before they were right, I questioned myself and again, my potential and my worth. I had a new lesson to learn and that was not one that involved education.

Here I am, at a great school and married to my best friend, and life still has its gloomy moments. I have been to so many different schools, and sometimes I question what the worth of a Bachelors degree really is. I don't have to have anything to prove I am smart and can work hard. But yet I do. School and a schedule give my life momentum and structure. As of now deadlines make my world go round and they will until a new chapter of my life is ready to begin. But I'm learning and growing everyday and I'm so grateful for this opportunity with truly nothing holding me back but my own doubt at times. Heavenly Father has held my hand through this seemingly long and complicated path to get where I am now. And while the adversary comes in to bring us down at our lowest times, he also comes when we have made a plan for ourselves and are working to better our lives. And I'm not going to let it stop me, not after how far I've come.

Ben Folds put it best when he sang:

I don't get many things right the first time
in fact I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns
the stumbles and falls
brought me here.
And where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday.
And I know that I am the luckiest.

A List of Little Things I Love.

I love the solitude of a quiet little home in the evening, just long enough to finish the lingering dishes and tidy up a bit.

I love folding the last of the laundry revealing the entirety of my bed, which was in fact made today.

I love walking to class, not in a hurry, because the sun is shining and I want to soak up every minute.

I love waking up at 5:30 to do homework because the rest of the world is still sleeping and my mind is clear and ready to work.

I love my love for making dinner without question the nights I need to spend a little extra time on homework, which happens more often than I would like.

I love him, also, for being my tutor when I don't understand my schoolwork. He never fails to help me know I am not alone in this.

I love reading Shakespeare and actually laughing during a humorous part because I understand.

I love when a stranger in class makes an effort to get to know me and becomes another friendly face on campus.

I love the Lord and Savior for hearing and answering my prayers through the little things I love every single day.

A Friday Letter.

Dear Fridays in general,
Fridays this term have been tough. Weekly quizzes for Math are on Fridays, Tutoring class at 3 p.m. on Fridays, and Screenwriting homework is always due at 5 p.m. on Fridays. Today I am handing in a revised Act I of my screenplay. But here we are at the last Friday of the term... and it is surprisingly bittersweet! No class on Friday's next term, I hope that's as fun as it sounds! Speaking of Math...


Dear Mathematics,
You aren't so bad! I'm going to finish with an A in Geometry and it may be one of the most wonderful accomplishments that I've had yet...


Dear Oregon,
I was telling Jeff that if I had rain boots, I probably would have worn them every day but maybe 5 days the two and a half months we've lived here. Granted that winter's in the northwest are rather wet, I still rest my case. I need rain boots! And conveniently want some, too.


Dear Jeff,
I am learning that the Draw Something app is quite popular and that more people than just you are addicted to it. I'll try not to get so offended when you try and play under the table at dinnertime. (Just kidding) PS- Can't wait for Spring Break!


Dear Boise,
I can't wait to savour your Thai cuisine once again. And friends in Boise, can't wait to see you!


Dear Idaho Falls,
What is it about you that I hold so dear? Oh yeah, my childhood memories and my family is located there! So excited to visit HOME!

7Ks and other thoughts.

Jeffrey and I discovered our mutual interest for running soon after meeting one another, and I convinced him to run a 5K with me shortly after we started dating. We ran together all over Boise and had a lot of fun doing so. It was never very consistent, but on the weekends when we had the time.

We decided to sign up for a jogging class together this winter term and it has been so much fun. The majority of our running has been on treadmills at the school gym due to the weather. At first we were constantly being interrupted by the football players morning work out who make it awfully hard to concentrate with all their ruckus. It's almost like a game now to get out of the gym before 8:00 a.m. and we are always really close. One of these days maybe we'll be out of there before they do their chant after their warm up, "GET SOOOOOME!"

Part of our running grade is to run a 5K and we ventured to Boise this weekend to participate in Speed to Feed Idaho for a local food bank. We have been so excited for the 5K and we talked about it after almost every run. A couple days before the race I had a pile of kleenexes near by and suddenly realized, "Oh no I can't be sick now!" And it continued to get worse. The night before the 5K I felt like I was going to die, maybe because I enjoyed myself some Sa-wa-dees with Jeff, Jared, and Sam for her birthday :) but still, it was a bummer. Jeff and I warmed up for the race and my throat started an icy fire and I felt like I was going to throw up. Luckily the race setup was ideal. It started right outside of BSU so we were able to stay inside and be warm until it started. And there was a great energy about the place.

As soon as the race began I started to feel better. I took it slow at first, and after saying goodbye to Jeff and watching him slowly fade away in front of me, I found a good pace. Then with about a mile or so left I had a huge burst of energy, and my old friends endorphins kicked in and I finished the race pretty strong. Jeff was there to cheer me on at the finish and I saw my time. 37 minutes seemed quite slow compared to the rest of the winter and Jeff felt the same about his time, 32:30. We shrugged it off, but while we were drinking some water this guy came up to us and said, "Do you think that clock is off? There is no way I could have finished in 37 minutes." It kinda made us laugh because it wasn't a huge deal to us. Then we went to talk to the race director about how our instructor could contact him to verify that we ran the race, and he told us we all ran a 7K. So about 2,000 meters, or 1 mile further than a 5K. Woohoo! It may not have been a PR for us, but it was still accomplishing. Jeff, especially, felt pretty stoked about his first 7K. He has been the best running partner and he always makes me motivated to get up and go. This may be our last official 7K, but there will be many more 5Ks, 10Ks, etc, to come for the Alexander's.