On A Sunday.

J was looking out the window, checking his phone, and pacing a bit. He's never nervous, especially when he's cooking dinner. Maybe because today is the day our families finally meet each other? Maybe that was it.

Maybe that was why, though I was oblivious to it at the time, he also nervously slipped his suit jacket over me at church when I said I was cold. And why he made sure to get it back when we went to our different classes.

I mean, I was a little nervous that our parents were meeting, but mostly completely excited and ready to take that next step. After all, we  J made curry, and I knew it would be delicious.

I kept my dress on. The white one with lace. I wore a headband. I wanted to look nice.

J's mother brought dessert in a beautiful box, of course.
"For after dinner!" She said. I thought nothing of it.

There wasn't a silent moment. I don't know why I worried there would be. There was lots of chatter. It was fun.

And then out of left field J's mother brought up the stack of wedding magazines she sent home with me, how she hoped my mother didn't mind her involvement. My face turned red. I know there had been talk of a wedding and I knew generally when I wanted it to happen, but we weren't engaged yet! Shhhh!

Needless to say a bit of an awkward vibe filled the air until my father so graciously intensified it.

"You know there's all this wedding planning going on, but I don't see a ring. Where's the ring?"

And as J stood up, hands shaking as he reached into his pocket, he said, "You want to see a ring?" (Which, unbeknownst to me, was in his suit jacket pocket during church.)

It all started to make sense. Especially the part where the girl says, "the rest was a blur, but I was really happy!" and things like that.

But my dad.... how did he know? He took it upon himself to transition right on cue, when he wasn't even included in the plans. Only J and his mother knew, that's why she brought up the "wedding talk" in the first place. I guess when 80% of what you say is in a joking manner, you're bound to align perfectly sometimes. Still, my dad is great.

Here is a journal entry from August 14, 2011:
I don't know how he could have planned it better. Not only was I NOT expecting today, but once I remember thinking that I hoped it would be on a Sunday because that is "our" day and we get to go to church together that day, eat dinner, and spend the whole day almost every single Sunday. So I guess it was inconvenient that he took off camping nearly 45 minutes after proposing.... oh well :)

A little ironic that he left his bride, but it just added to the suspense. I. WAS. ECSTATIC.

Oh, and that box of dessert? We're holding them.

Genius!!!

A day to remember.

It was a cleaning day.
You know, the kind where all your decent clothes are in the wash and your outfit consists of articles of clothing that should have been donated years ago.

I was in cleaning mode.
I wanted everything out. Realistic, right? I get in that mode at least once a season, when I leave home for more than a week. I envision an adorable apartment in the works: no clutter anywhere. Every space minimal. Each piece of furniture just right, and all the decorative items hand picked and perfectly placed.

And then I come home and move everything out of the way. Then it becomes another room's clutter, so I move it back. And forth. And back again. In attempt to rid the kitchen of extra mismatched dishes, I went out onto the porch to grab a big box. I'm ghetto like that: spare cardboard boxes chilling on the porch. If you saw my apartment building I swear to you I'm just trying to keep up with the vibe of the whole place. Immediately after letting go of the door handle and reaching for the box, the wind blew the door and it slammed shut. Startled, I grabbed the door handle.

It was locked.

I live on the second floor.

First I looked down. Definitely too far to jump. And of course I didn't have my cell phone. As I was desperately trying to pry the window open, I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection. No make up. And I'm pretty sure my hair was in pigtails or something of the sort. I couldn't have looked more like a 12-year-old girl if I had tried. J was in Washington for our summer job, so he definitely wasn't coming home anytime soon.

Chill out. I thought. It's not so bad. Take this opportunity just to soak in life and wait for someone to walk by. I attempted to sit down, but the boxes were dirty and there were spider webs everywhere. I didn't even have shoes on. I tried to at least use the railing to climb down, but the spaces in between the wood paneling were so small I could barely grip with one finger. There was a Dish Network satellite hooked to the side of the building; it seemed sturdy enough... but I didn't try.

So I waited. And paced back and forth nervously, as much as the small space allowed me to do. I thought about yelling, "HELP!" but before I realized what I was doing, I was actually yelling "HELP!" And then hiding behind the boxes, hoping no one heard that pathetic yell.

A car pulled in the parking lot. I waved them down, but nothing. They probably thought the 12-year-old girl was just having fun on the porch.

Finally, a couple walked by. "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!" They hesitantly look. They were obviously confused. Can't say I blame them.

What I said was a bit of a blur, because as I was explaining, it was all they could do not to laugh. The kind man used a readily available chair to stand on and hand me his phone.

Luckily I remembered that I left our spare key at our friend's place just down the street. "In case I lock myself on the porch!" I should have said.

I used the man's phone, who was definitely laughing now, to call J and quickly explain that he needed to call Heather and and have her use the spare to get in our place and then let me back inside. J didn't understand what was going on, again I don't blame him. But he must have called Heather, because not long after she and her dog Atticus were there to save the day. Tears were definitely coming by then. I muttered a few thanks, and luckily she didn't stay long, because I definitely wasn't up for company at the moment.

I just needed a shower.

I jumped in and warm, brown-like, smelly water came out of the shower head. I definitely forgot that they were working on the water pipes.

It was a good day.

And oh yeah, thanks Heather. What would I do without you?

Balance.

Today while cutting J's hair I realized I was completely calm and enjoying myself. Rewind to my first try a year and a half ago and this is a huge mile mark. I would get anxiety and we would start arguing every time. I love to write, but I do not deem my hands as creative hands. In fact, I find it extremely difficult to create anything, but have always longed to be more artistic. I guess this means that is now happening, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Another mile mark is that J and I celebrated our first year anniversary on December 30th. We have now lived in this little apartment for a year, and I am actually going back to the same school after a year. YES! This is huge.

At a few points during the break, I found it difficult to enjoy myself because of the anxiety creeping over me telling me I would soon be back to the stressful life of the student with pressing deadlines constantly hanging over my head. But then I told that anxiety to wait a minute, and I stepped outside of myself and analyzed. Here is what I found:

I have been very balanced during this break. I needed it almost as much as the air I breathe, and I am so grateful for the month off we had from school. We traveled through Idaho and Montana for three weeks and spent time with family, many friends, and got to meet this fluffy thing who somehow changed our perspective on life. 

No one told me that once you get a cat it is inevitable that your heart would turn to mush every time they do something like this. The words I.. will never... be.. a.. cat lady.. are echoing further and further in the distance every time I think about the girl who used to say them.

Here's the thing about school and life: yeah it's hard and crazy, but you learn. Each and every new semester of school I am more prepared than the last. Knowing how to take care of Financial Aid and Registrar business, where classes are, what to expect from certain instructors, how to stay organized, when/where to get books, who to turn to if you have questions. It all gets easier. And I'm sure that on my last day of school that Spring day in 2014, I will be able to finally speak fluent "college." And then I will be done, happily exploring and stumbling through another phase of life.

Isn't that how it works?

This Christmas

I sit snuggled in the corner, reading. The smell of Christmas dinner fills the air. I am not helping to prepare, but I am no exception. Others are watching football, dozing off, or watching the cat run, tumble, and pounce.

It is a good thing to sit still; to not know where your wallet resides in the warm  house scattered with opened gifts. To know your bank account is also sitting still. 

This Christmas is topping the charts no doubt. Being "poor" for lack of better term, has caused the few gifts to be extremely thoughtful. And the ones from parents greatly cherished. We feel so grateful and overwhelmingly loved we want to hug our gifts, and everyone around us. It is a blessing to ponder every purchase, and know that even though we have what we need, we are being watched over to make life even brighter.

But at the end of the holiday, our gifts turn back into just things for a little while. We pack them in the car and pull out of the drive way to make the trip home, ultimately holding onto the memories that have been created. We feel lucky to have loved ones, who love us too.

Resolschmutions

One particular year I lost my new years resolutions that were on a little square sheet of paper and I was so embarrassed. How am I supposed to say I even tried if I lost the list altogether? As the years passed by, I realized that I can't just write a list of things and expect them to happen. It was a rude awakening.

For awhile I almost rolled my eyes at the thought of a list of new year resolutions. While I recognized the flaw in aiming too high, there is a flaw in rolling my eyes as well. There is something spectacular about recognizing we have faults, or that we need growth and change in certain areas of our lives. But if we let our resolutions emulate our deepest, darkest insecurities and let them collect dust all just to be lost and forgotten, the potential for haunting is increased.

So that is when I started to re-think the list of resolutions system. I see many things in myself that I want to change, but change starts with habits, and habits are a tough one. It starts with today; today I will find things I am grateful for; today I will go to the gym; today I will get on my knees and pray; today I will open my scriptures and seek for spiritual insight.

This is going to be a good year. I can feel it. We are starting our second year of marriage, and I am so grateful to look back on last year and evaluate what worked and what did not. I know what I need to change, I know who I want to be, and every day I have a new today to make that happen.

Matters of Non-Business.

I feel that an obligatory post is in order regarding two things: Christmas and Kingsley.

First thing's first, I am always amazed at the way the Christmas Season makes me feel each and every year. I don't feel overwhelmed by all the presents I have to buy, rather overwhelmed at how many I want to buy for people and cannot afford to do so. One of the ways I show love to others is through giving gifts. I know this because it truly fills my heart when I can surprise someone with something. I hope that if my budget ever does allow more presents to be bought, that I continue to feel excitement giving gifts and not overwhelmed.

A whole month off of school is a dream. Since Jeff and I have campus jobs, we truly get to kick back and relax during the holidays. We are able to spend time with my family which is a blast! There is a special place in my heart for Idaho Falls and I love that it feels like home. Though right now we feel equally at home in La Grande, Boise, and Idaho Falls which is triple wonderful.

And next, most important and most cuddly, the new edition to our home: Kingsley Shacklebolt. You can call him Kingsley. After a year of marriage, we were aching for something cuddly to snuggle and squeeze (not too hard because he's teensy) and our new exotic shorthair kitten did the trick. We would be lying if we didn't admit that we first got the idea from Cee Lo Green's exotic cat on The Voice, but that guy has come to inspire us in more ways than one, so it's no surprise.

No, Kingsley will not be referred to on this blog or elsewhere as our "fur baby." Though we were surprised enough as it is that we could fall in love with a cat in the first place, so you never know. Plus this is an extraordinary cat, and we are honored to have him. So who knows, you may just see us in a few months sporting this look:

Here are some pictures for your enjoyment. It's been a blast to see the personality bursting out of this tiny, grumpy looking, exotic kitten. 

Grown Up?

Almost once a week I stop in my tracks and look down at my small feet and think, how was I allowed to be in charge of my own life? J and I frequently talk about raising children and all the decisions that come with parenting, our beliefs, what we think might be effective, etc. It sounds so wonderful and romantic until I realize: with children you have to help them and be there for every single decision they make throughout the day. Not just waking them up, giving them meals and putting them to bed, but everything in between. That is such a tremendous and special responsibility. Am I, a girl with too many flaws to count, worthy of that?

Somewhere along my own infancy, childhood, and adolescence, I slowly let go of my parents hands and got to where I am now: in charge of every single decision. And I can't for the life of me figure out how it happened so fast. Now, I know we have a lot to learn and are hardly "grown up," but you get the idea. I have been dreaming about having children since way before I'd like to admit,  and I feel a special connection with them, and I know they are waiting for me. When I go to the temple I can feel their love and know they are special. So many times throughout my young adult years I have been in the midst of a life decision and thought about those unborn children. I am trying so hard to have good habits and become the person I want them to be. I believe that I came here on earth to learn and find my sweetheart and create a family together that will help us continue to learn and hopefully we can teach them a thing or two. 

One day they may read my blog, or personal journal, and think, "Wow my mom was once a kid like me." It wasn't until I was almost graduated high school that I hit the realization that my parents were once young and made mistakes, too. I hope my children can realize that a little sooner so they don't hold us to an unrealistic standard like I did my parents, which, they always lived up to. 

So here's to those little ones yet to come. Here's a thank you to them for keeping me on check, and making me want to be better when I haven't even met them yet.