Bigger Dreams.

At the end of the day, in the quiet of the night, my heart's desires are so much different than my day dreams.

No no, it is not to have a closet full of elegant, classy clothing, or to have hair a mile long; it is not to be Emma Watson; it is not to have a big, perfectly Pinterest decorated home; it is not to have so much money, that I need not put thought into every purchase; it is not to travel the world. Albeit some of these things would be rather nice...

It's funny, because most of the time, when asked about my goals I get a little self absorbed and naturally start thinking: I want to get a degree in Writing and work at my own leisure for magazines who pay me to kayak down a river and write about it. Or for Parents magazine, who swoons over my every word about my parenting views. I want to live in Portland in a cottage and someday see what all the hype is about New York City. Etc, etc, etc. But I think there is a little more to life than that.

My goals have much more substance and worth, and are absolutely 100% possible through my Heavenly Father: I want to be completely selfless, making the needs of others genuinely my best interest. I want to have lots of children and make raising them lovingly and righteously my heart and soul. I want to be a patient wife for a very, very deserving husband. I want to be a family of best friends like my own family is.

I want to, and I am working on this, sincerely believe that what I have is enough. I want to have so much Faith in my Heavenly Father, that I don't look down asking why, but always looking up hopeful and patient and trusting in His magnificent, immaculate plan. I want to continue to wonder and awe at seemingly small things that make all the difference.

I want to be Christlike in every way and always see the good in others. No one is purely good or purely evil, and I know I can choose to find and focus on the good in others when I try.

I want to build relationships with those I am geologically close to. It might sound weird, but have you ever gotten to know someone you didn't realize lived so close, and then they moved away, and you thought how good of friends you could have been all along? I long not to be so completely self absorbed, that I cannot go out of my way to bring bread to my neighbor, or try to get to know someone in my church that I didn't know before. All too often I am wishing I were elsewhere, with old friends, neighbors, or family. And while it is okay to miss them, I believe it is important to be grateful for where I am. How are we supposed to know that others have needs if we stay in our own bubble thinking about all the things we wish we had?

I shamefully admit, that I get distracted and sometimes nearly swallowed up by the many distractions around me, and I am constantly fighting a losing battle with social networking, and other "good" things, but there are most definitely "better" things, and the "best" things that I solely believe must be done every day to direct our hearts to what is right. Why, in the LDS church, do we stress reading the scriptures and praying so much? For starters, our hearts are directed to our Savior for those moments, and from there we learn and gain insight and inspiration. With that comes understanding, clarity, and peace. With each passing year I cannot feel more grateful for that escape. Every single day is about building our character and the most minute things are constantly shaping us.

I am a firm believer in education. I feel so grateful to be learning and growing, and that Jeff is by my side through it all. I know the situations I am in are preparing me to be a better wife, friend, and mother. I also firmly believe that when our time on this earth is through, what we achieved on paper will not matter to our Heavenly Father: diplomas, job certificates, and other recognition. I know he looks upon the heart and I want to be able to tell him I honestly did my best to become like Him, however that was achieved.

If Only.

If only you could step outside of your own self for just a moment and see you.

The way I see you. The way God sees you.

It would bring a tear to your eye no doubt, to see you for who you really are, and not just the angles you see in the mirror, or while you are upset, or realize that even when you're laughing you have flaws: could your smile be any bigger?

It would be a relief: like when you have just cleaned the whole house and you finally get to sit down to see what you have done. Or like turning off the last light in the house before you can jump into bed. It would be like realizing that your sweet, screaming child has finally fallen asleep. Or like getting off of work and clicking your heels together as you run to your car to finally head home to see someone you love. Only better, because it's you! And I dunno about you, but sometimes being "me" is pretty tough in general.

There are several people that I have always particularly admired for being comfortable in their own skin. The people who laugh even if they have a big smile, who make jokes and enjoy their own toes, even though they are strange. Those people who accept your compliment with a genuine thank you. The ones you don't have to pin down, look in the eye and say, "Yes you are! You ARE beautiful! Believe it, or I'll punch you!"   :) And I mean the ones who accept it regardless of whether they are wearing a rag or JCrew. The ones who have an iPhone or a phone that, you know, just makes calls and stuff. The one who has thick flowing hair or just an okay amount. The one who has blemishes on their skin, or the one whose skin is glowing, or is so physically fit. (Because I can guarantee, they can tell you why their skin is glowing or just how they got their hair that thick, or their guaranteed workout secrets, but you are you, and for the most part, you are gonna stay that way and have to start loving you for every single thing you see as a flaw in yourself.)

I was one of many Mary Kate and Ashley fans growing up, and I watched a YouTube video when they were about 16, maybe a little younger, and Mary Kate was talking about how pretty Ashley is. She was saying she would look in the mirror and feel so ugly, and then see Ashley and how beautiful she is, and was very jealous of her. Granted they are not identical twins, watching the two of them in that interview, they may well have been the same exact person, because they sure looked/acted like it. Their differences are so minute, and Mary Kate was still able to see them. It shows that even if God granted we look almost exactly like that person we envy, it still wouldn't be good enough. So that is where we come in.

You know those people you love? The ones who have flaws, but you don't see as flaws, because in your opinion they just give them character and you couldn't possibly love them as much as you do without them? Oh, that's just me? Well hopefully you get the picture :) ....because it's time to start looking at you that way.

The way I see you.
The way God sees you.

Go ahead and try. Or even... stop trying if you know what I mean.
It might just work.