Saturday, April 28, 2012


Lately, I have had to constantly remind myself not to wish away these last two years of my undergraduate studies. I look back to when I started in the Fall of 2009 and it feels like forever ago because I have come so far. Midway through my first semester at BSU I remember telling my mom, through tears and confusion, that I just don't know if the university life is for me. I really just wanted to take some writing classes so I could improve in what I actually cared about. I also had thoughts of going to San Francisco to make bank as a nanny, try massage school, reflexology, or enroll in a hair academy. Most of my teachers are BSU were really strange, the environment put me into a sort of culture shock, and I didn't feel like I was in the right place.

I had the powerful feeling in December of my first semester that I needed to let BYU-I know I was coming to my accepted Winter/Spring track after all and I packed up to move to Rexburg, which felt like home to me. There I met my two darling Texan roommates and one adorable girl from Boise.  I didn't have many friends and didn't attend many social events, even though it is safe to say probably half of my high school attended BYU-I.  I studied and worked hard to improve me and I reaped the benefits of that. For the first time since elementary school, I felt like I was getting school and that I was succeeding in it, because I was I was growing in tremendous ways I did not know were possible. And that wasn't by some miracle, it was because I was doing all that I could to do well, and God was making up the rest.

When I came home off track I had no idea that I would be meeting the love of my life and that I wouldn't be attending another semester at BYU-I. I had a plan, I was happy with it, and moving forward, and that is why Heavenly Father felt I was ready to have the tremendous blessing of Jeff in my life. That is not to say that I did not have trials and confusion through that time. I took a year off of school before enrolling at the community college Fall of 2011 while Jeff and I were engaged, and that year I also grew in so many ways. I couldn't wait to marry Jeff. I pushed things before they were right, I questioned myself and again, my potential and my worth. I had a new lesson to learn and that was not one that involved education.

Here I am, at a great school and married to my best friend, and life still has its gloomy moments. I have been to so many different schools, and sometimes I question what the worth of a Bachelors degree really is. I don't have to have anything to prove I am smart and can work hard. But yet I do. School and a schedule give my life momentum and structure. As of now deadlines make my world go round and they will until a new chapter of my life is ready to begin. But I'm learning and growing everyday and I'm so grateful for this opportunity with truly nothing holding me back but my own doubt at times. Heavenly Father has held my hand through this seemingly long and complicated path to get where I am now. And while the adversary comes in to bring us down at our lowest times, he also comes when we have made a plan for ourselves and are working to better our lives. And I'm not going to let it stop me, not after how far I've come.

Ben Folds put it best when he sang:

I don't get many things right the first time
in fact I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns
the stumbles and falls
brought me here.
And where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday.
And I know that I am the luckiest.

Monday, April 23, 2012


She walked outside to feel that the earth was just beginning to wake. Very few cars, some bodies slowly making their way to campus and other various obligations. She had risen early and was hopeful for the hours to come.

When the weather dropped after dusk she was finally able to open the windows and cool down her 80 degree apartment. She walked around feeling like she was floating on summer, smelling freshly mowed lawns and clean air, listening to cars drive by from a distance. In just a few hours the trains would be going, they were beginning to feel like a lullaby that welcomed sleep amongst her worry-some late night thoughts.

It is a gift to know and to feel and to be, but sometimes during the height of the day it is easy for her to forget.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A List of Little Things I Love.

I love the solitude of a quiet little home in the evening, just long enough to finish the lingering dishes and tidy up a bit.

I love folding the last of the laundry revealing the entirety of my bed, which was in fact made today.

I love walking to class, not in a hurry, because the sun is shining and I want to soak up every minute.

I love waking up at 5:30 to do homework because the rest of the world is still sleeping and my mind is clear and ready to work.

I love my love for making dinner without question the nights I need to spend a little extra time on homework, which happens more often than I would like.

I love him, also, for being my tutor when I don't understand my schoolwork. He never fails to help me know I am not alone in this.

I love reading Shakespeare and actually laughing during a humorous part because I understand.

I love when a stranger in class makes an effort to get to know me and becomes another friendly face on campus.

I love the Lord and Savior for hearing and answering my prayers through the little things I love every single day.