Bigger Dreams.

At the end of the day, in the quiet of the night, my heart's desires are so much different than my day dreams.

No no, it is not to have a closet full of elegant, classy clothing, or to have hair a mile long; it is not to be Emma Watson; it is not to have a big, perfectly Pinterest decorated home; it is not to have so much money, that I need not put thought into every purchase; it is not to travel the world. Albeit some of these things would be rather nice...

It's funny, because most of the time, when asked about my goals I get a little self absorbed and naturally start thinking: I want to get a degree in Writing and work at my own leisure for magazines who pay me to kayak down a river and write about it. Or for Parents magazine, who swoons over my every word about my parenting views. I want to live in Portland in a cottage and someday see what all the hype is about New York City. Etc, etc, etc. But I think there is a little more to life than that.

My goals have much more substance and worth, and are absolutely 100% possible through my Heavenly Father: I want to be completely selfless, making the needs of others genuinely my best interest. I want to have lots of children and make raising them lovingly and righteously my heart and soul. I want to be a patient wife for a very, very deserving husband. I want to be a family of best friends like my own family is.

I want to, and I am working on this, sincerely believe that what I have is enough. I want to have so much Faith in my Heavenly Father, that I don't look down asking why, but always looking up hopeful and patient and trusting in His magnificent, immaculate plan. I want to continue to wonder and awe at seemingly small things that make all the difference.

I want to be Christlike in every way and always see the good in others. No one is purely good or purely evil, and I know I can choose to find and focus on the good in others when I try.

I want to build relationships with those I am geologically close to. It might sound weird, but have you ever gotten to know someone you didn't realize lived so close, and then they moved away, and you thought how good of friends you could have been all along? I long not to be so completely self absorbed, that I cannot go out of my way to bring bread to my neighbor, or try to get to know someone in my church that I didn't know before. All too often I am wishing I were elsewhere, with old friends, neighbors, or family. And while it is okay to miss them, I believe it is important to be grateful for where I am. How are we supposed to know that others have needs if we stay in our own bubble thinking about all the things we wish we had?

I shamefully admit, that I get distracted and sometimes nearly swallowed up by the many distractions around me, and I am constantly fighting a losing battle with social networking, and other "good" things, but there are most definitely "better" things, and the "best" things that I solely believe must be done every day to direct our hearts to what is right. Why, in the LDS church, do we stress reading the scriptures and praying so much? For starters, our hearts are directed to our Savior for those moments, and from there we learn and gain insight and inspiration. With that comes understanding, clarity, and peace. With each passing year I cannot feel more grateful for that escape. Every single day is about building our character and the most minute things are constantly shaping us.

I am a firm believer in education. I feel so grateful to be learning and growing, and that Jeff is by my side through it all. I know the situations I am in are preparing me to be a better wife, friend, and mother. I also firmly believe that when our time on this earth is through, what we achieved on paper will not matter to our Heavenly Father: diplomas, job certificates, and other recognition. I know he looks upon the heart and I want to be able to tell him I honestly did my best to become like Him, however that was achieved.

If Only.

If only you could step outside of your own self for just a moment and see you.

The way I see you. The way God sees you.

It would bring a tear to your eye no doubt, to see you for who you really are, and not just the angles you see in the mirror, or while you are upset, or realize that even when you're laughing you have flaws: could your smile be any bigger?

It would be a relief: like when you have just cleaned the whole house and you finally get to sit down to see what you have done. Or like turning off the last light in the house before you can jump into bed. It would be like realizing that your sweet, screaming child has finally fallen asleep. Or like getting off of work and clicking your heels together as you run to your car to finally head home to see someone you love. Only better, because it's you! And I dunno about you, but sometimes being "me" is pretty tough in general.

There are several people that I have always particularly admired for being comfortable in their own skin. The people who laugh even if they have a big smile, who make jokes and enjoy their own toes, even though they are strange. Those people who accept your compliment with a genuine thank you. The ones you don't have to pin down, look in the eye and say, "Yes you are! You ARE beautiful! Believe it, or I'll punch you!"   :) And I mean the ones who accept it regardless of whether they are wearing a rag or JCrew. The ones who have an iPhone or a phone that, you know, just makes calls and stuff. The one who has thick flowing hair or just an okay amount. The one who has blemishes on their skin, or the one whose skin is glowing, or is so physically fit. (Because I can guarantee, they can tell you why their skin is glowing or just how they got their hair that thick, or their guaranteed workout secrets, but you are you, and for the most part, you are gonna stay that way and have to start loving you for every single thing you see as a flaw in yourself.)

I was one of many Mary Kate and Ashley fans growing up, and I watched a YouTube video when they were about 16, maybe a little younger, and Mary Kate was talking about how pretty Ashley is. She was saying she would look in the mirror and feel so ugly, and then see Ashley and how beautiful she is, and was very jealous of her. Granted they are not identical twins, watching the two of them in that interview, they may well have been the same exact person, because they sure looked/acted like it. Their differences are so minute, and Mary Kate was still able to see them. It shows that even if God granted we look almost exactly like that person we envy, it still wouldn't be good enough. So that is where we come in.

You know those people you love? The ones who have flaws, but you don't see as flaws, because in your opinion they just give them character and you couldn't possibly love them as much as you do without them? Oh, that's just me? Well hopefully you get the picture :) ....because it's time to start looking at you that way.

The way I see you.
The way God sees you.

Go ahead and try. Or even... stop trying if you know what I mean.
It might just work.

People Are Good.

It was Anne Frank who said, "In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart."

Yesterday evening I was going through an area I had already knocked, making sure to talk to the people that weren't home earlier in the day. As I was passing homes and noting which ones I needed to stop at, I passed one in particular that I made a note that symboled I had already talked to someone there, and that they weren't interested. The old man was sitting outside, and though I didn't remember what he said, I remembered he wasn't very nice, so I tried to shuffle by in hopes that I didn't anger him again.

On my way walking back to the car I was on the phone with Jeff and the same old man was still sitting outside, but got up and flagged me down. I was a little nervous as he approached me, and very seriously asked me if I was the same girl who stopped at his door the other day asking if he was interested in our pest control service.

"Yes, that was me," I replied. Did he wait there for me to come back? I couldn't help but wonder.

"Well I was very hasty when you came to the door the first time, and I wanted to apologize."

"Oh, it's okay! I understand," I tried to say with a nervous smile. My feelings get hurt so easily, I was almost embarrassed that I even remembered him. I was taken by complete surprise, I thought he was going to yell at me for wandering around his neighborhood.

"No, it's not okay," he replied. "You are a lady and I need to act like a gentlemen."

Then he proceeded to ask me how much it cost, and more about our service. After I told him, he pointed to his pockets and told me once he got a few more shekels in his pocket, he would like to give me a call. I also learned he is 91 years old, living on social security from 1984. Nonetheless, it wouldn't be likely that he would have more shekels in his pocket anytime soon, but he genuinely wanted the service, and wanted to keep us in mind.

Whether he does or does not even give me a call back, I appreciate that he went out of his way for an apology, and it sincerely warmed my heart. Sometimes I joke that I have a place for every single person, stranger or not, in my heart. My heart swells in sadness, and happiness for every situation I encounter. While I run into a lot of people who are frustrated that I interrupted their day, (which I really cam't blame them) I also find people that are genuinely so thankful that I stopped by and can help them with their pest problems.

Last night especially, I needed to be reminded that I can't judge someone solely by the way they react when I knock on their door. This dear old man in particular is a good person, and I'm glad I had the chance to change my mind about him.

So that is why we are told not to hold grudges.

Some Summer.

It turns out our summer will be spent sailing selling pest control in Washington. Yes, I am (we are) that annoying person who knocks at your door, asking you questions, and then trying to ask some more before you shut the door.

I wasn't gonna do it, in fact, don't tell me "I could never do that," because that was what I said, too. I kicked back in our twice-as-big, furnished apartment and browsed the internet all day looking for jobs.... for almost two weeks. I wasn't so worried about getting a job right away when we got to La Grande, because I knew there was time and that we still have two more years of school. But here... we have until the end of September and time was ticking. 

I am no salesman. I am the opposite, but there are a few qualities about me that I decided I had it in me. And ever since Madeline came out in motion picture in 1998 my motto has been, "I can do anything." If you whisper it like she did, and once in awhile say it aloud, you really can do anything. I couldn't bare the thought of staying home all day earning nothing while Jeff worked until 9 every night in the 100 degree weather. 

I repaired rock chips one summer at a tent by the mall and while it was technically sales, I feel that it hardly counts. People approached me though, and I didn't have to bother them in the middle of their car repairs, paint project, family time, or the occasional man opening the door in his underwear, yawning. Nonetheless, I did have to be knowledgable about the rock chip repairing process, and why they are important to repair; I did have to work with insurance companies, and I did have to talk people into paying cash when their insurance was only liability.

I am personable and genuinely interested in talking with and learning about people I have just met. I especially learned that about myself working in customer service for so long. I could change a person's demeanor with just the right comment, and they could do the same to me. I lived for what I called those 30-second conversations that started with small talk; or the occasional person that jumped straight into their life story, current problems. I met the quirkiest, rudest, nicest, most interesting people every day and I will forever learn from my experiences in retail. Again... this is different... but it all helps.

We are now referred to by the Pointe Pest Control crew as Team Alexander. I know everyone is annoyed with us, because it looks like we are getting more sales than everyone, but really, there are two of us, and expenses don't cut in half when you're married. Somehow, they double and even triple at times. Needless to say, we are doing all right. We have a few number goals, but really, I just want to do my best every single day and not give up. When all is said and done, I will be happy with that. We are praying to make enough to get us through the school year, so we can continue to work at our campus jobs that we love, and focus on schoolwork: the task at hand. 

Who Gives a Fluff About the Oxford Comma?

It's warming up everywhere and I feel like the world is getting happier. Personally, my favorite time of the year is Fall, but nonetheless I am pleased by summer's arrival. So much so, in fact, that I can't keep my nose in a book for more than ten minutes without getting distracted. I am writing a creative biography on the life of Ann Wigmore (she is incredible), and it is due via e-mail on Monday. Monday is Memorial Day, a holiday, (sneaky professor's) so thus I can choose to enjoy my holiday at the park with friends, or furiously typing at my computer all just to compose a lousy first draft. As of now, I am choosing the latter, because typing blog posts and dreaming about the weekend is much more fun.

There are only two more weeks of school until finals and I couldn't be more excited. This year for us, summer entails many adventures and I am looking forward to them tenfold. As long as I am with Jeff I am content, but having plans and getting away makes me very excited. Well, most of the time I am content with Jeff. Today he was being a silly pest and I told him to go home, but I can't really do that anymore. Which is way better, so I'll take it. :)

One of my summer plans, beside tackling a long list of books to read, is to start envisioning/outlining what I want to write for my first annual participation in National Novel Writing Month!! I cannot believe I hadn't heard about this until this year, but I am more than excited to do it. Next Fall I will be immersed in great amounts of schoolwork, but I feel that a plan will help me stay on track a bit. With some flexibility, hopefully I can spend the wee hours of the morning writing my novel, rather than finishing homework like this trimester. And if you have any ideas for a novel, I am completely open as of now! The possibilities are endless.

Well, have a great Thursday night, here are a few Photo Booth pictures for you to enjoy:

Hmm, looks like we've got a singer in our hands, folks!

This little gem showed up in my mail. Don't mind if I do vote for Ron Paul, if he would just pull through!

We were obviously on different pages about the pose.

I've always been told I have big eyes. I think I see it now..

My BSU, BYU-I, CWI, EOU Life

Lately, I have had to constantly remind myself not to wish away these last two years of my undergraduate studies. I look back to when I started in the Fall of 2009 and it feels like forever ago because I have come so far. Midway through my first semester at BSU I remember telling my mom, through tears and confusion, that I just don't know if the university life is for me. I really just wanted to take some writing classes so I could improve in what I actually cared about. I also had thoughts of going to San Francisco to make bank as a nanny, try massage school, reflexology, or enroll in a hair academy. Most of my teachers are BSU were really strange, the environment put me into a sort of culture shock, and I didn't feel like I was in the right place.

I had the powerful feeling in December of my first semester that I needed to let BYU-I know I was coming to my accepted Winter/Spring track after all and I packed up to move to Rexburg, which felt like home to me. There I met my two darling Texan roommates and one adorable girl from Boise.  I didn't have many friends and didn't attend many social events, even though it is safe to say probably half of my high school attended BYU-I.  I studied and worked hard to improve me and I reaped the benefits of that. For the first time since elementary school, I felt like I was getting school and that I was succeeding in it, because I was I was growing in tremendous ways I did not know were possible. And that wasn't by some miracle, it was because I was doing all that I could to do well, and God was making up the rest.

When I came home off track I had no idea that I would be meeting the love of my life and that I wouldn't be attending another semester at BYU-I. I had a plan, I was happy with it, and moving forward, and that is why Heavenly Father felt I was ready to have the tremendous blessing of Jeff in my life. That is not to say that I did not have trials and confusion through that time. I took a year off of school before enrolling at the community college Fall of 2011 while Jeff and I were engaged, and that year I also grew in so many ways. I couldn't wait to marry Jeff. I pushed things before they were right, I questioned myself and again, my potential and my worth. I had a new lesson to learn and that was not one that involved education.

Here I am, at a great school and married to my best friend, and life still has its gloomy moments. I have been to so many different schools, and sometimes I question what the worth of a Bachelors degree really is. I don't have to have anything to prove I am smart and can work hard. But yet I do. School and a schedule give my life momentum and structure. As of now deadlines make my world go round and they will until a new chapter of my life is ready to begin. But I'm learning and growing everyday and I'm so grateful for this opportunity with truly nothing holding me back but my own doubt at times. Heavenly Father has held my hand through this seemingly long and complicated path to get where I am now. And while the adversary comes in to bring us down at our lowest times, he also comes when we have made a plan for ourselves and are working to better our lives. And I'm not going to let it stop me, not after how far I've come.

Ben Folds put it best when he sang:

I don't get many things right the first time
in fact I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns
the stumbles and falls
brought me here.
And where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday.
And I know that I am the luckiest.

Monday.

She walked outside to feel that the earth was just beginning to wake. Very few cars, some bodies slowly making their way to campus and other various obligations. She had risen early and was hopeful for the hours to come.

When the weather dropped after dusk she was finally able to open the windows and cool down her 80 degree apartment. She walked around feeling like she was floating on summer, smelling freshly mowed lawns and clean air, listening to cars drive by from a distance. In just a few hours the trains would be going, they were beginning to feel like a lullaby that welcomed sleep amongst her worry-some late night thoughts.

It is a gift to know and to feel and to be, but sometimes during the height of the day it is easy for her to forget.