Have you heard the phrase, "Hit the ground running?"
After a long summer, such was my plan for the upcoming academic year: particularly Fall term.
Well, I coined a new phrase instead: hit the ground, fall on my face, then comes that classic weight out of the sky and boom, I'm stuck. (Drama at its best)
I believe (or have thus convinced myself) that it is okay to feel resistance during school. It's okay not to swoon over every single assignment, and it's okay if you don't connect with every single classmate and professor, but as a whole it should be positive.
The thing is, I usually love school. At least after a week or so, I feel so glad about what I'm doing, and soak up everything I get to read, all the lectures, and that feeling I get when I finish an assignment.
This time around? I'm distracted. In fact, distracted is the perfect word to describe my whole life right now. And you know what? It's distracting in itself, because my mind is wandering to other routes, other options, and it can't do that! I've already been there. I've already done that...
After my first week of school I was so completely and utterly disappointed with my classmates. I felt that all they did is complain about every single reading and every single assignment, and I felt that they did not care about getting to know me, or making the best of school and all that comes with it.
But then I realized, that student is me too. And I'm embarrassed. I don't want to talk to anyone about what I read for class, because I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't want to talk about the assignments, because I don't know where to start. And I also don't know where to end this post, because I haven't come to a conclusion yet. But I will......
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
What's important changes when J is ruthlessly sketching and cutting away in hopes to finish an art project that is due in just minutes time. I can no longer tell him about the things that happened so far in my day, because they pale in comparison. i.e: the bugs that kept hitting my face on my walk to school, the girl in Lit. class who was picking her ears and eating it (what????!), and, "Does my ponytail look ok?" or "do these jeans make me look fat?" So I sit quietly reading in my office and peek at him wishing there was something I can do, but really can't, because he doesn't even have time for me to dip this delicious parmesan garlic & herb pita chip in hummus and put it directly in his mouth. Chewing is of least importance and the crumbs can jeopardize the quality of the art. And then I notice he is whistling to the reggae song as he works away and I suddenly realize that even now, even though there is good reason to lose it and get frustrated, he is still calm.
So I step outside of me and observe my pita chip eating self, reading an article about the zillions of ways people make grammar mistakes, and wish I could be more like him. But we all know I can't, so I look up and say, "Thank you for J," then try to act like him, like I'm keeping my cool for just a few moments, until I run off to class and more bugs start flying in my face.
So I step outside of me and observe my pita chip eating self, reading an article about the zillions of ways people make grammar mistakes, and wish I could be more like him. But we all know I can't, so I look up and say, "Thank you for J," then try to act like him, like I'm keeping my cool for just a few moments, until I run off to class and more bugs start flying in my face.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Sunshine.
Today I do not want to do homework. I want to dream of the weekend, DIY projects for my future home, plants I want to buy and display, pumpkins on my porch, starting a family, and so much more. There's something about looking out the window and seeing colorful trees, beautiful mountains, the sun shining, all while the apartment is the perfect temperature. Moments like these make life sweet and are irreplaceable. You can't necessarily plan them, or tell how long they will last, all you can do is embrace and enjoy them. (Though you can always count your blessings)
It makes sense that all of life can't be this way. It makes sense that we have to have ups and downs in order to tell the difference between the two. I think the trick is knowing when to take hold of a moment and turn it into a happy one, because sometimes try as I may, I can't make myself feel cheerful.
Which brings me to the kind of opposite subject: gloomy days. It's okay not to be happy all the time. I was always one of those people who only felt worse when someone told me to smile and just be happy, or not worry. Oooh it could make my blood boil. While I know they mean well, it is not always well received. If I am down, it always means the most to do things like write in my journal, call a family member, or talk to Jeff. All these things help to put life in perspective for me and are things I appreciate very much.
Don't get down if you don't have the urge to click your heels after every single day, but rather find things you look forward to. Take a trip to the local library and pick out a colorful book, choose a movie/television series you can look forward to every week, make a special trip to the grocery store for a treat, try a new recipe, or see how much cleaning done you can get done in 5 minutes. You'd be surprised...
Whatever the case, know that you are loved. At least by me. (insert a picture of a pretty red heart)
Friday, October 5, 2012
The Same Lessons.
You may have heard the phrase, "not all that glitters is gold." I love that.
It comes from a poem written in 1748 Ode on the Death of a Favorite Cat (yeah!), the following is an excerpt:
Not all that tempts your wandering eyes
And heedless hearts is lawful prize;
Nor all that glisters gold.
"Wow, almost three hundred years ago," you might think. But it is not so long ago when you consider these lessons have had to be taught and learned time and time again. Shakespeare teaches us that, and many, many more. This poem is actually quite sexist by today's standards: directed towards women and their love for shiny things. Erring them to be cautious in that which they consider a worthy prize.
What does that say to you?
To me, it shows that humanity is the same. Sure, we have progressed by leaps and bounds in some aspects, and digressed in others. It shows that I was not born in the wrong era, but that I need to conquer my own. We need balance and a higher order in our lives to give it purpose and meaning, because try as we may, material things do not.
It comes from a poem written in 1748 Ode on the Death of a Favorite Cat (yeah!), the following is an excerpt:
Not all that tempts your wandering eyes
And heedless hearts is lawful prize;
Nor all that glisters gold.
"Wow, almost three hundred years ago," you might think. But it is not so long ago when you consider these lessons have had to be taught and learned time and time again. Shakespeare teaches us that, and many, many more. This poem is actually quite sexist by today's standards: directed towards women and their love for shiny things. Erring them to be cautious in that which they consider a worthy prize.
What does that say to you?
To me, it shows that humanity is the same. Sure, we have progressed by leaps and bounds in some aspects, and digressed in others. It shows that I was not born in the wrong era, but that I need to conquer my own. We need balance and a higher order in our lives to give it purpose and meaning, because try as we may, material things do not.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Brotherly Timeline.
1990
I was unaware that my five older brothers were swimming in our pool in Las Vegas doing celebratory canon balls at my arrival
1992
They were sure it was broken. My brothers said a prayer at home and my arm was healed before the hour long drive to the hospital
1997
I didn't miss mom and dad as much when Clayton would let me jump on his bed and and dance to Louie Armstrong while eating popsicles
1999
Tyler taught me a few rad tricks and we put on a magic show: Malony the Great
2000
The excitement of the millennium wore Henry and I out so much we fell asleep before the ball dropped
2002
I open my purse to pay for my things and the store clerk sees Joey's senior picture and asks if it's my boyfriend. I blush
2003
Bad hair cut. Chris tries to cheer me up by hesitantly saying a girl's hair wasn't everything. But I knew he was lying and I cried
2006
Starting high school in a town I knew my brother's legacies still lived in. I was different
2008
One more year until graduation. I looked forward to getting a Marmot sleeping bag that doubled as ceremoniously becoming "one of the older kids"
2008
Braces again. Now Henry and I look even more like twins: I couldn't be more proud
2009
Wedding number four: Kyle this time. I knew I'd be next, and dreamed about when that day would come
2010
All of us at the cabin on Christmas Day, laughing and crying as we open the handmade gifts we made for one another
2011
At my wedding dinner: I weep endlessly as they all take the time over the open mic to tell me how much they love me and are grateful for the man I found to take care of me
2012
We're spread out over five different states, but they are still my best friends in the whole world
disclaimer: i don't know if my brother's were doing canon balls when i was born. but we had a pool, lived in LV, so why not?
I was unaware that my five older brothers were swimming in our pool in Las Vegas doing celebratory canon balls at my arrival
1992
They were sure it was broken. My brothers said a prayer at home and my arm was healed before the hour long drive to the hospital
1997
I didn't miss mom and dad as much when Clayton would let me jump on his bed and and dance to Louie Armstrong while eating popsicles
1999
Tyler taught me a few rad tricks and we put on a magic show: Malony the Great
2000
The excitement of the millennium wore Henry and I out so much we fell asleep before the ball dropped
2002
I open my purse to pay for my things and the store clerk sees Joey's senior picture and asks if it's my boyfriend. I blush
2003
Bad hair cut. Chris tries to cheer me up by hesitantly saying a girl's hair wasn't everything. But I knew he was lying and I cried
2006
Starting high school in a town I knew my brother's legacies still lived in. I was different
2008
One more year until graduation. I looked forward to getting a Marmot sleeping bag that doubled as ceremoniously becoming "one of the older kids"
2008
Braces again. Now Henry and I look even more like twins: I couldn't be more proud
2009
Wedding number four: Kyle this time. I knew I'd be next, and dreamed about when that day would come
2010
All of us at the cabin on Christmas Day, laughing and crying as we open the handmade gifts we made for one another
2011
At my wedding dinner: I weep endlessly as they all take the time over the open mic to tell me how much they love me and are grateful for the man I found to take care of me
2012
We're spread out over five different states, but they are still my best friends in the whole world
disclaimer: i don't know if my brother's were doing canon balls when i was born. but we had a pool, lived in LV, so why not?
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
the life of the student.
Writing lists that desperately need to be crossed off; grabbing warm papers from the printer and running to class; leaving the house without a jacket and regretting it as soon as it's too late to turn back; getting to know people you learn to call your close fiends; going to sleep in the cool mountain air; waking up chilly while the rest of the world is asleep; looking out the window wondering what the day holds; dancing in the tiny apartment; looking forward to the weekend like nobody's business; new glasses; weekend trips home; nights out with friends; snacking; lectures you can't write fast enough for; going to bed early; bike rides through campus; completing assignments that once seemed impossible; daydreaming: is there really life after school? In the meantime, this gig isn't so bad.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Bigger Dreams.
At the end of the day, in the quiet of the night, my heart's desires are so much different than my day dreams.
No no, it is not to have a closet full of elegant, classy clothing, or to have hair a mile long; it is not to be Emma Watson; it is not to have a big, perfectly Pinterest decorated home; it is not to have so much money, that I need not put thought into every purchase; it is not to travel the world. Albeit some of these things would be rather nice...
It's funny, because most of the time, when asked about my goals I get a little self absorbed and naturally start thinking: I want to get a degree in Writing and work at my own leisure for magazines who pay me to kayak down a river and write about it. Or for Parents magazine, who swoons over my every word about my parenting views. I want to live in Portland in a cottage and someday see what all the hype is about New York City. Etc, etc, etc. But I think there is a little more to life than that.
My goals have much more substance and worth, and are absolutely 100% possible through my Heavenly Father: I want to be completely selfless, making the needs of others genuinely my best interest. I want to have lots of children and make raising them lovingly and righteously my heart and soul. I want to be a patient wife for a very, very deserving husband. I want to be a family of best friends like my own family is.
I want to, and I am working on this, sincerely believe that what I have is enough. I want to have so much Faith in my Heavenly Father, that I don't look down asking why, but always looking up hopeful and patient and trusting in His magnificent, immaculate plan. I want to continue to wonder and awe at seemingly small things that make all the difference.
I want to be Christlike in every way and always see the good in others. No one is purely good or purely evil, and I know I can choose to find and focus on the good in others when I try.
I want to build relationships with those I am geologically close to. It might sound weird, but have you ever gotten to know someone you didn't realize lived so close, and then they moved away, and you thought how good of friends you could have been all along? I long not to be so completely self absorbed, that I cannot go out of my way to bring bread to my neighbor, or try to get to know someone in my church that I didn't know before. All too often I am wishing I were elsewhere, with old friends, neighbors, or family. And while it is okay to miss them, I believe it is important to be grateful for where I am. How are we supposed to know that others have needs if we stay in our own bubble thinking about all the things we wish we had?
I shamefully admit, that I get distracted and sometimes nearly swallowed up by the many distractions around me, and I am constantly fighting a losing battle with social networking, and other "good" things, but there are most definitely "better" things, and the "best" things that I solely believe must be done every day to direct our hearts to what is right. Why, in the LDS church, do we stress reading the scriptures and praying so much? For starters, our hearts are directed to our Savior for those moments, and from there we learn and gain insight and inspiration. With that comes understanding, clarity, and peace. With each passing year I cannot feel more grateful for that escape. Every single day is about building our character and the most minute things are constantly shaping us.
I am a firm believer in education. I feel so grateful to be learning and growing, and that Jeff is by my side through it all. I know the situations I am in are preparing me to be a better wife, friend, and mother. I also firmly believe that when our time on this earth is through, what we achieved on paper will not matter to our Heavenly Father: diplomas, job certificates, and other recognition. I know he looks upon the heart and I want to be able to tell him I honestly did my best to become like Him, however that was achieved.
No no, it is not to have a closet full of elegant, classy clothing, or to have hair a mile long; it is not to be Emma Watson; it is not to have a big, perfectly Pinterest decorated home; it is not to have so much money, that I need not put thought into every purchase; it is not to travel the world. Albeit some of these things would be rather nice...
It's funny, because most of the time, when asked about my goals I get a little self absorbed and naturally start thinking: I want to get a degree in Writing and work at my own leisure for magazines who pay me to kayak down a river and write about it. Or for Parents magazine, who swoons over my every word about my parenting views. I want to live in Portland in a cottage and someday see what all the hype is about New York City. Etc, etc, etc. But I think there is a little more to life than that.
My goals have much more substance and worth, and are absolutely 100% possible through my Heavenly Father: I want to be completely selfless, making the needs of others genuinely my best interest. I want to have lots of children and make raising them lovingly and righteously my heart and soul. I want to be a patient wife for a very, very deserving husband. I want to be a family of best friends like my own family is.
I want to, and I am working on this, sincerely believe that what I have is enough. I want to have so much Faith in my Heavenly Father, that I don't look down asking why, but always looking up hopeful and patient and trusting in His magnificent, immaculate plan. I want to continue to wonder and awe at seemingly small things that make all the difference.
I want to be Christlike in every way and always see the good in others. No one is purely good or purely evil, and I know I can choose to find and focus on the good in others when I try.
I want to build relationships with those I am geologically close to. It might sound weird, but have you ever gotten to know someone you didn't realize lived so close, and then they moved away, and you thought how good of friends you could have been all along? I long not to be so completely self absorbed, that I cannot go out of my way to bring bread to my neighbor, or try to get to know someone in my church that I didn't know before. All too often I am wishing I were elsewhere, with old friends, neighbors, or family. And while it is okay to miss them, I believe it is important to be grateful for where I am. How are we supposed to know that others have needs if we stay in our own bubble thinking about all the things we wish we had?
I shamefully admit, that I get distracted and sometimes nearly swallowed up by the many distractions around me, and I am constantly fighting a losing battle with social networking, and other "good" things, but there are most definitely "better" things, and the "best" things that I solely believe must be done every day to direct our hearts to what is right. Why, in the LDS church, do we stress reading the scriptures and praying so much? For starters, our hearts are directed to our Savior for those moments, and from there we learn and gain insight and inspiration. With that comes understanding, clarity, and peace. With each passing year I cannot feel more grateful for that escape. Every single day is about building our character and the most minute things are constantly shaping us.
I am a firm believer in education. I feel so grateful to be learning and growing, and that Jeff is by my side through it all. I know the situations I am in are preparing me to be a better wife, friend, and mother. I also firmly believe that when our time on this earth is through, what we achieved on paper will not matter to our Heavenly Father: diplomas, job certificates, and other recognition. I know he looks upon the heart and I want to be able to tell him I honestly did my best to become like Him, however that was achieved.
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